Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Late Night Emo-ness

I think i have an addiction to fantasy. Not like anything sexual or weird like that but im always thinking "what if?" "What if i won the lottery?"
"What if I lost 60lbs?" "Would everyone like me if more if i did"?
"What if right now i ran into my ex bf, what would i say to him?"
          I was thinking that just now, about him. Its quite horrible how much he pops into my head when I'm trying my hardest to get over him. I mean its been almost a year,a year this month and then the stupid rat race we played for the next 4 months after that. I stopped talking to 75% of my friends because of him. Not for him but because of him. I was never a bad GF. I tried my hardest to be the best i could be. Maybe sometimes i was a little grumpy or i would get a little mad...but i mean c'mon WHO DOESNT? and i could never be mad at him for more then 10 minutes. We never argued we just bickered.
                    Now im sitting here alone im not sad about it. Im just frustrated i never got to say how i truly felt. I didnt want to sound too lame or too K-dramaish. I didn't want him to think i was falling in love with him or anything. Maybe i just miss the idea of him?? Maybe i didn't like him at all?
                 The most frustrating thing of all is it seems he's seeing another girl now. A girl i met before a few years ago. I liked her so much i thought she was soo cool and nice and sweet. I liked her even more when I realized we had the same birthday. I hate to admit but I'm a big believer in Astrology and my ex was the perfect match for me (astrology wise).  I keep comparing myself to her. Why does he like her and not me. Are we not supposed to have the same personality i mean we have the same birthday. She reminded me alot of myself just happier. Maybe if i was born differently and raised happier i would be like her. It doesnt help that she plasters pictures of him and her online. I had to delete my whole myspace just so im not tempted to look anymore. but it didnt help i still can look. Everyday im tempted to look but I know if i do i'll die a little on the inside. Everytime i eat i feel guilty. I feel like i should be starving just look better and maybe find someone else but I never leave the house anymore so it doesnt matter. These thoughts are always running through my head especially when i go out. What if i run into him? It's happened twice. I dont know what i would do. I dont know what his intentions were by waving to me the second time were though.
                Its hard constantly asking yourself all the things you could have done better. Its even harder when you know what you would do now if given the chance. I cant talk to him because i cant be friends. I wish i could just meet up one more time just to say "FUCK YOU" or "I MISS YOU" but i feel like i would be dragging this whole thing out because its been so long. This is just something i have to get over myself even if i dont have anyone to talk to about it. Maybe if I just act happy it'll make me happier for real


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